The basis of the entire Christian faith is the idea that there is a God. This God, they believe, is Creator. Provider. Protector. Omnipresent, omnipotent, omniscient. A perfect God, completely holy. All these things that humans can’t be, they claim God is.
Since the moment I began my race, a little voice in the back of my head was trying to convince me these things weren’t true. “God isn’t real,” it would say, “this thing you’ve dedicated your life to is just a phosad. You haven’t really changed, you just act like it in front of other people. You’ve never even seen a miracle, does your ‘god’ really have any power”? I would push the voices down and ignore them, continuing to walk through the motions and seek the God I had come to believe was out there. Until I couldn’t anymore. I let my circumstances overwhelm me and gave those little voices power. I opened up to my team and spilled everything in my head before them like an emptied soda can, but any truths they spoke over me I couldn’t believe for myself.
It was here where God met me. He let me feel this doubt and sit in these lies that I wasn’t really changed to see that I really was. It took picturing what my life would be like now had I not met Him to discover how much He has changed my heart. Heck- I’ve seen people miraculously healed by the power of the Lord, but I wasn’t believing that my own story was miraculous enough. He picked me up, turned me around, and placed my feet on solid ground!!! What a loving God I serve to meet me where I was, in my doubts that He even EXISTED, and to graciously reveal to me all He’s done.
From my experience in Christian community, doubt isn’t talked about enough. We are expected to believe in this incomprehensible God without a second look. The devil takes pleasure in getting in our heads and getting us to believe lie after lie. No matter how many historical facts or biblical truths we claim to be true, there’s another level to the faith that’s connected to the heart. My teammates were saying all the right things, but I couldn’t believe them for myself until I took a look at my own life and recognized His faithfulness through it all.
Walking through this myself taught me a lot about evangelism. It’s why they say “the most powerful gospel tool you have is your own testimony”, because it’s not a historical fact that can be argued or misinterpreted, but your very OWN story. I can tell people about how much God has changed my heart, from bitterness towards others to desire for Him. I can point people to the one who has provided for them all this time, who created them just the way they are, and who has been planting seeds and working in his/her life all along. How cool that God walked me through a season of doubt so I could come alongside people who doubt or even don’t believe and share my story.
If you ever feel this doubt yourself, know it’s totally normal. I think to some extent, every Christian feels it at some point or another. The beautiful thing about doubt is that it leaves room for God to swoop in and show you just how real He is. If you are feeling this, I encourage you to take a look at your own life, and observe where He has provided and how He has changed your heart. If your reflection doesn’t show much of a heart change or a life change, maybe ask yourself why. Jesus came to earth to save us because we could never do it ourselves. This fact alone should make us want to give him our whole lives (James 2:14-26, Romans 12:1, 2 Timothy 2, and so many more). Does your life look changed because you know Christ?
I walked through this season of doubt in January and February. While much has changed since then, I an confident in what the Lord taught me and was able to use it during evangelism at my last ministry. Another blog is coming soon about the month of March and plans for the next three months, so stay tuned.
